Big Decision

I guess I thought that since I was back in Colorado, I didn't need to write on this blog any more, but then tonight I realized that might not be the case. I think it is good for me to track my movements as well as tell other people about my travels.
I have been in Colorado for two weeks now. It feels much longer than that. The place is so different and my attitude toward it too. Actually it is probably much more the latter. I feel out of sorts here, out of place. Like it is home and yet not.
Many sleepless nights and tear-soaked pillows allow me to say this decision in public form. I have decided to make aliyah, aka move to Israel. It is a big step, I realize. I also have been looking at all the things I have to do to accomplish this, esp by my goal of December. As in three or so months. All I can do is make lists. And I am, a lot of them.
I know this is the right decision. At this point, I don't know what else to say.
I think I will make a new blog about my escapades navigating the aliyah world as a single olah. Stay tuned.

Back in CO

I am now back in Colorado, for just about two days now. I am still quite jet-lagged and massively tired in general. Having said that though, I can't really sleep. Being here again is more of a shock than I had anticipated. I probably just need the structure and focus a routine provides. That will hopefully come in the form of a job. I need to update my resume and begin sending it out to places to make that happen.
I am finding that I am making decisions in the moment. I have an idea what I would like but really just go for it when the situation arises. Take for example eating. Kosher restaurants just don't exist here, what am I supposed to do when I go out to eat then? Last night I opted for the vegetarian compromise. Meaning, I ate at a non-kosher place and ordered a pasta dish w/o meat, thereby not combining meat and dairy nor eating non-kosher meat. It was an appropriate compromise at the time. However, I love Chick-Fil-A (at least I did when I left). So I ate there, and clearly their chicken is not kosher. I needed to eat there for other reasons and now that is out of my system, something tells me that I probably won't be going back.
I am looking forward to going to shul on Friday, but I am anticipating quite a change. I am mostly gong there for the people this week and little else. To be back there will be something else after having experienced more than two dozen shuls in Israel.
I heard someone say something to the effect of: the journey really begins when the plane touches down again. Meaning that the real travel starts only when you return from the physical travel. I tend to think it is a combination of both. So for this part of the trip, I don't know how long it will take, or where I am going, all I know is that I will never return to where I was previously.

Less than a week to go

I leave on Saturday. What does that mean? It means I am not sleeping. It means I am trying desparately to grab a hold of all I can here in Israel (like holding onto sand). I am finally taking pictures, but moreso of people and things I've done rather than aestically pleasing ones. And I am trying to get myself in them to show that more than my camera went on vacation but that I did too. I am going back to my favorite restaurants and shops. I've had samboosak twice this week already. And orange/carrot/pineapple juice by the liter. And Independence park and Gan Sakar and Nadine's pub. And many more things and places that fit the same category.
I am still open with strangers, but to a much less degree. And I am not necessarily kind with my time. I realize that I don't have all the time in the world, so I will limit spontaneous conversations to a few minutes usually. I don't like that any more.
I am now thinking actively of what I want to be like in CO, becaues it will be a reality shortly.
Don't ask for specific answers because I don't have them yet.
The phones have been having problems. First off mine is just running out of juice and the battery goes whenever it feels like it. But more importantly is that the international lines are very jammed because of all the activity going on here. It is a very busy time in this country, coupled with tragedies. I am sure you all heard of the shooting in the old city on Friday. I have walked those corridors numerous times and had planned on doing so that evening. It's very real for me. And then the pedestrian street, Ben Yehuda, had some sort of publicity thing (Jewish Agency for Israel or something). Three nights in a row they had a bomb scare where they made us take different routes. Every time it's only been a scare though. By the third night, I was becoming slightly desensitized to the fear and irritation was setting in. How quickly our perspectives can be altered.
I am in denial about leaving too. The friends I've made here are threatening to kidnap me. I told them that might be against Shabbat Halacha, but they'd have to check with their Rav. They too are in denial about my departure.
So the plan is to go to a Tel Aviv beach on Tuesday I think. And Tzfat sometime. I am not sure what is in Tzfat, but I have the desire to go again. Spend 7hrs on a bus and $15 for no apparent reason, why not? Wednesday I will be in J-lem for sure. Thursday is a friend's celebration for something in the IDF that I really want to go to. He's in one of the elite units and this is a pretty big deal. I have not a clue where this is being held. Friday is pre-Shabbat and I just have to be in J-lem. Then I leave Saturday.
With that I sign off (plus my time is up on the computer)/
I will see you all very soon.

Shabbat in Jerusalem

I realized this past shabbat that I really had not commented on it recently. Shabbat in Jerusalem is vastly different than any where else in the world. Okay, that is somewhat presumptuous of me to say the whole world, but I can imagine.
I realized too this Shabbat how familiarity eases the mind. For the time I've been studying at the yeshiva here I have been going to services on Friday nights and Saturday mornings. All at different shuls. There are so many different places (and ways too) to daven here that I felt it unfair to limit myself to just one. So, I've been to Sephardic, Ethiopian, Italian, Carlbach, reform, conservative, and many "general" orthodox. Where the m'hitzah is placed used to be important to me and initially I found it a barrier I constructed to inhibit my davening. These days I clearly have a preference but I don't allow it to stop me from getting the most out of the place as I can.
I have been to places where the walls truly shake during Kabbalat Shabbat and others where most of the congregation is subdued. Some congregants are warm and welcoming to a clear stranger. Others are frigid and unwilling to assist in my fumbling around the service. Keep in mind these are still orthodox services and my knowledge of them is not vast. How quickly they go and what I can hear because I am in the women's section and what I can understand because my Hebrew is not great are all variables in each place.
Well, this past Friday night, I went back to the conservative synagogue (Medreshet Israel). I had been there for one night and one morning service. Going back gave me such a sense of knowledge. I felt less insecure and I could really be in the moment much more. And all this from only going once before. So to think about people who have been going to the same place for decades is astonishing and I cannot imagine what they feel when they walk through the doors. For me it is a delicate balance because I enjoy learning and experiencing the new and yet there is something to be said for the familiar.

I'm back to some fun/strange activities. I can't even plan my days any more because the random is so much more fun. Take for example Yom shishi, Friday before Shabbat starts. That day I had planned to go to a beach in Tel Aviv with an Israeli friend. He didn't call so I helped my roommate make some bead necklaces. Then we took those over to a reggae festival to sell them. I was hippied out in dress and I was selling necklaces I had made to hippie religiously observant jews in a bar garden. Very surreal. And someone even bought one of the ones I made. I spent a few hours there and listened to live music and danced with people with dreadlocks that rival Bob marley--except the tzitzit which were hanging from their torsos or the kippot which was on their heads did not exactly fit the expected scene. Free love, expect you don't touch members of the opposite sex. Truly, it was a bizarre mishmash of cultures.

Then I went to shul from 6-8:30p. Wrote in my journal a bit (one thing I just don't see myself giving up even if I become traditional shomer shabbat), and then I walked over to the kotel at 12:30a. Going to the wall after midnight is something else. I am going to miss doing that greatly.
I was there for a couple hours in total. Saturday morning I got up to attend services at 8:30-11:30a. Then Shabbat lunch with fellow yeshiva students. They were all raised in the conservative moment and had this connection that I was on the sidelines of. Lunch lasted 4.5hrs. Then I played rummicube while we waited for third meal. From 6-10:30p we did mincha, third meal, ma'ariv, havdallah. It was one of the best shabbat's I've had in Israel. I didn't sleep (though that is not that unusual) and yet I was fully energized everywhere I went (again, fairly typical).

Shul hoping here is giving me the confidence to do so in Boulder, which is good. I feel more confident in going into Bonai shalom or Aish kodesh or the reconstructionist one in town by myself. And to think there will be moments which will be in English! I cannot imagine anymore.

Also, here the streets are fairly quiet, except for ~10% of those that aren't shomer shabbat and the tourists which aren't either. Cars are silent, buses don't run, people are respectful and they speak to you on the street. Usually they will say "shabbat shalom" or the like. This is very different than what happens 24hrs later though on Sunday (yom rishon) when people don't even notice others, let alone speak to them. I guess Shabbat here is somewhat akin to Sunday morning in CO. Being part of the majority is something which I think most people take for granted. I didn't notice how much of a difference there was until I experienced the other side and now to have to go back to a secular or Christian centered world will be a culture shock all over again.
I still have one more full shabbat this coming weekend. And then I have a Friday night because I fly that Shabbat. That will be the first change--riding in a car and spending money on Shabbat. I imagine I will sit at the kotel much of those times.

That's just a little peek into one of the experiences I've had doing Shabbat in Jerusalem.
Hope all is well in the States and I will see most of you soon.

A week gone by, back to tourist season

Has it really been a week? Again? I am pretty sure I have been saying that all summer long. And with the end approaching, I feel that time is going by even faster (that is except for when I try to sleep in the stifling heat). I have just under three weeks remaining in this country. I am finally being a tourist again in Jerusalem. Tonight I went into all the touristy-artist shops in the city center. However, I was able to tell them in Hebrew I was just looking and walked around a little more confidently than in days past. I find it a fascinating experience to go around as a tourist and as a resident. I know where I am going, and I see familiar faces, that being the resident part. However, I am going to places that really only tourists go and viewing sites from that perspective.
I have also begun the process of trying to figure out what I am going to do once in Colorado again. What will I do when it is time to daven Shacharit or mincha or ma'ariv? Will I pull out my bencher in a restaurant or at the breakfast table? Will I maintain my level of kashrut? Can I? Do I want to? Where will I satiate my need for Jewish studies? Do I continue to wear skirts, and why? Shomer Shabbat and what does that mean? These are really only a few of the questions that I find myself facing on a daily basis.
I am back to visiting the old city quite often. There is just something in that place which is truly remarkable. Perhaps it is the energy of the people who visit which make it tantalizing. Perhaps it is the history. Ani lo yoda'at. I went to the kotel on Tisha B'Av. It was jam-packed with mourners. An entire people mourning the loss of their people for ages. The day is so sorrowful, it is contagious. I stayed in during the day because it was just too hot to go out, and it wouldn't have been smart to do so while on a full fast. Monday night at the kotel was one of the most intense times I've been there. Thousands of women (I didn't pay attention to the men) in collective prayer and sorrow. We were standing at the very place that 1937 yrs ago fell to the Romans. We touched our history. I could vividly imagine the bloodshed. The rocks had not been disturbed for nearly 2000 years and there I was, looking at them, touching them. I cannot express how surreal the experience was.
There is little else like the old city for me.

And then we fast forward to today. One of my IDF (Israeli Defense Force) friends was talking about explosives in tunnels, below Gaza. He spoke of bombing the tunnels which are used to transport goods into Gaza. By goods, I really mean weapons and intelligence. I sat there and wondered what the next day was going to bring. What will happen to Tisha B'Av in the distant future? The idea of an enemy has not yet disappeared.

The intense heat adds to the tension. Actually, that is why many wars in this region occur in the summer time. The heat is just too much. Jerusalem is experiencing yet another heat wave. Around 100F and coupled with 100% humidity. I am sweating from places that I didn't know had sweat glands. The air is thick with pollution and dirt that never seems to dissipate. No air conditioning, no fans, no relief. I thought about riding the bus for the evening--just because it is air conditioned, but then I remembered that they give me motion sickness. Didn't seem like an appropriate trade off. So here I sit and sweat. Even the evenings aren't nearly pleasant any more. We are hoping for the spell to break in the next day or so. Then again, they've been saying that for two days.

That's about all from here. I still haven't decided what I am going to do on my last week. My dad once said, a long time ago actually, no decision is a decision. I have a feeling that is going to pan itself out fairly accurately this time around.
Wish you all well, and I will see you in three weeks.

time for a poll

Hello all--
I hope this finds you well and staying cool in the midst of a nasty hot summer. All over the world it is hot, but never mind that global warming thing.
Anyway, no political rant at the moment, I am actually hoping to get some input from anyone willing to share.
I have a couple questions of various nature.
First, I have something like 8 days off at the end of my trip that I presently have nothing scheduled. The options are practically endless.
A) Go to Eilat, Israel: ~46C, touristy, sea and sand and sun and fun. Least expensive option
B) Go to Petra, Jordan: ~45C, touristy, big rock where Indian Jones was filmed. Middle $ option.
C) Go to Cyprus: ~28C, calm, ocean, little villa in little village. Most expensive option
D) Stay in Jerusalem and really get in me before I go, see it as a tourist and resident, again.
E) None of the above, will require suggestion.

The other question I had is significantly lengthier in terms of an answer. Here in Jerusalem, religion is a very big deal to put it mildly. The question I'd like to pose is "what is the definition of religion?" I don't want an answer that can be found on wikipedia or google either. This is one of those questions that can only be answered individually and yet has much larger implications.

I've had a long day, moving my things from one apartment to another in the ucky heat. And emotionally I had to say goodbye to my roommate. We only were together for a few weeks and during that time we had some of the most special conversations. He is also the first person I've had to say goodbye to that I'm not sure I will see again. It's been pretty rough and that will only continue to be the case over the next week or so. Off to bed.

An American in Israel

I've been noticing things that happen here with a compare/contrast eye. There are activities that happen in various cultures that are not unique to them and just different than America. Then there are behaviours which I really think only happen in Israel. I say this with very little experience outside the States. Some examples:
When riding a bus, a person from the back will send up a 200 shekel note (worth ~$50) up to the front for the bus driver. On the way back will be a bus pass and the correct change. No one blinks an eye; no one thinks of 'borrowing' from the change. And if you don't know what to do (because frankly when someone taps you on the shoulder and hands you a large bill and speaks in a foreign language, knowing what to do is somewhat of a mystery the first couple of times), there is an idea that you are breaking a social norm.
Also, this society is very much child oriented (at least in the more religious cities). This too is evident on the bus. Women get on with their strollers and groceries and the bus driver takes off before she has a chance to sit. People reach out and hold the stroller. As the woman gets off, people jump up to help her exit with all the stairs and the driver waits while this happens. This same driver won't wait for someone who is running to the bus if they don't make it there on time. Fascinating.
Policemen drive up and down the pedestrian mall, both in cars and on horseback.
Guards sit outside restaurants with guns. And they sit outside of the supermarket and all the banks and it's accepted, in some cases, required. Even pizza joints.
I find the terminology used to describe native Israelis, sabre, is becoming more and more clear and accurate. Harsh on the outside and just the sweetest people on the inside.

This place, and for now I'll limit it to Jerusalem because that is really where my exposure lie, is truly a dichotomy. And extreme too, most things are black and white, very little, if any grey. You are religious or you're not. You're native or you're olim. You keep kosher or you don't. Keep shabbat or not. Middle ground is not a concept or attitude many choose to adopt. This can be very difficult to handle. For someone like me, my world is grey (or colorful as I choose to see it). Do I keep Shabbat? yes in the way that works for me. I dress in skirts because I like it, not because I think it is more modest (whole other discussion there). It is quite frustrating really if I allow myself to get wrapped up in it. And that is the key, not getting inundated with the issues and allowing myself to be manipulated in one direction or another.

Okay, fun note. So the room I am subletting is actually going to be up with its lease much sooner than initially thought. As in this Friday (rather than Aug 10). Leaves me homeless. Fine. Whatever. Well, my roommate has had sufficient run-ins with the nasty landlord and has decided to take a passive-aggressive approach to the whole situation. Let me also say that the landlord has no idea I'm there. Nor was there a security deposit or any forwarding information, etc. My roommate likes to paint and has taken to doing so on the walls. The art work is rather beautiful and I would love to move into a place like that if I were the next tenant. Then things got devious and roommate decided to move to a new medium: wax crayons. I was in an interesting dilemma: I could participate or not. I seized the opportunity to draw on walls. In the kitchen above the cabinets I left a keyboard in black and red. Then I had the idea that words are super powerful and what a wonder to put those on a wall. So last night, roommate and Dekel and I took those crayons and wrote all over the wall various emotions. We had over 300 words in the end and it is amazing. I took pictures because this is something that won't happen in the states. Fascinating.

Yeshiva is going great. Like I said last time, I really cannot fully grasp everything that is happening. We are two weeks in, though because it is really structured as two three week sessions, there is a sense that the end is approaching. And people I've met will be departing and new people will be arriving. It's very tumultuous. Ulpan is getting more challenging and yet also very enjoyable.

My typical complaint is still very present and prominent. Last night the mosquitoes were out in force and my face is terribly swollen. I will not miss that at all; at all.
Miss you all and think about you often. Hope all is well and would love to hear what's going on.

Little Yeshiva Girl...

Monday, July 9, 2007
It's been a week since I last wrote anything according to the calendar; it has been a whole new lifetime in so many other dimensions. Six days ago I walked into the yeshiva a brand new student. Do you recall your first day at school? For kindergarten, for high school, for college, for grad school, there were similar feelings for me last Sunday. But I am here to learn and nothing was going to stand in my way and nothing did. The other students are amazing and I have so much to learn from them and their lives. We engage in discussions about text and life without thinking that we just met. The days are rather long: shacharit, ulpan, lunch, mincha, study, dinner, homework. Ok, really long. And I'm exhausted. And I love it. I'm still not really sleeping--that can be done in another lifetime. The texts the rabbis are providing are intentionally provocative and yet accessible. Simultaneously, they are applicable to the wide range of student backgrounds which exist. I am fully aware that I don't fully grasp anything we are talking about and dissecting. All the paperwork they are handing out goes straight into a folder because it will take time and reflection to really try and understand everything that is contained within those words. From ulpan, from textual study, from talking on the street, my Hebrew is improving by leaps and bound every day. I still feel like a complete idiot when I order something at the bakery (takes me like 30sec to get a potato bureka). The one across from the yeshiva staffs people who are very understanding and patient; the same can't be said for other customers, and who can blame them?! Ani rotza shelosh kokie shokolad. I then reward myself by eating one of the newly purchased chocolate cookies.
I have not settled into a routine and I don't think I will. It still hasn't occurred to my social life that I am in school, and I'm okay with that. I'm getting along great with my new roommate--Elisha. I'll be there until Aug 9, when yeshiva ends and his lease runs out (just good timing). I haven't fully decided what I will do my last week here. I'd like to go to the Dead Sea. However, something about 44C, 100% humidity, $50, 6hr round trip bus ride, really makes the whole experience unappealing. Tel Aviv does nothing for me, in fact it is rather a deterrent to the Israel trip and something to be tolerated rather than sought after. The north is an idea and a possibility. I think watching the meteor showers from the hills of Tzfat or the shores of Tiverias on Aug 12 could be something for the memory books.
I don't believe I ever concluded the tallit story, so here I go. Ten minutes before the shop was to close I walked in, and didn't even need to see it to know it was still there. The sales lady saw me drooling (no really, I think I made a puddle on the floor) and asked if I wanted to try it on and I had to say no, not just yet. I knew how much it would cost financially, I also knew the return would far surpass that. I said I would return the next day with reinforcements. They were skeptical, but there I was, just before lunch time. Dekel was with me and then I put it on. The way she says it happened was that it found me, not the other way around. I was transformed when I had it wrapped over me. I cannot describe the feeling, the sensation, you'll just have to see it with me. I was able to personalize it though with my names: Ilanah and Rachael. I also purchased a kippah to match and that will be a new experience. The weaver told me it would take him about 40 days to make it. Now I realize that time includes other orders, but actual time spent on a single tallit is over 2wks with one person working on it full time. No way to convey what it will mean to me to wear it.
I am getting help learning my torah portion for Rosh HaShannah from several rabbis. Not because I asked but because they offered. I am learning it in order to own it, the musical notes are just icing. That feels tremendously different than what I did last year.
To clear up any thoughts, I want to say I am having an unbelievable time here. And yes, truthfully, I cannot imagine what it is going to be like when I am not here and instead back in Boulder. Only time will tell how life-changing this "vacation" will be. Having said that, I cannot wait to give everyone a hug (and chase after little Noah!). Hope all is well and I'll see you sooner than we all realize.

First day of classes

Today was the first day at the yeshiva. What an experience! We did a little into to davening and then did that for ~45min. Then came official welcome and misc hanging around. Off to ulpan. I knew I would be in ulpan aleph and that is a good decision. I wish I had known how to read/write script before coming. Apparently, no one writes in block. Other than that little stumbling block it is a great class. Good size with about 17 other students of various skill levels and backgrounds. I think that will be a very taxing class. At 3.5hrs long, and meeting every day, it has potential to be one of the most intense too. Ok, yeah, I know, that is what ulpan means--still.
Mishna with chavruta is what I am interested in on a completely different level. Today we discussed the Shema (of course we did). I think I really need to know how to find the appropriate partner for my chavruta to really make the most out of the experience. I will do so on Tuesday.
And then, finally, a class that has direct practical application, and one that I knew a little about--torah chanting. I am getting more background than I ever knew existed. And yet, I didn't feel completely lost. I know how to chant a mercha and tipcha, yes! I am excited to begin learning my portion (day 1 of creation) for Rosh HaShannah with this new insight and guidance.
These next six weeks will be exhausting on so many levels. While I assumed that and was prepared for that coming in, I didn't know that. Today, I am much more aware.
Not to mention, sitting for 8hrs a day is not something I am accustomed to any more and that is physically difficult. I actually got up and stood there for a while I couldn't take it.
The group is a good one, very diverse. Many age groups are represented (w/ the exception of ~35-50), equal genders, lots of religious diversity too. Today allowed me to feel concrete about this decision being a good one.
I get to go have some cheese and wine now (hope you see the oddity of that) and then off to study.
Hope you are all well and we'll be in touch.

A little more from Tzfat

Maybe it is because so many Jews travel to Israel do so many people meet unexpectedly. I have not had as much experience with that until recently.
Today I ran into Jesse from Livnot 170--the program I did the first time I came to Israel. The warmth we had for each other was evident in our embrace. The look of surprise when I realized it was someone from Colorado took time to process and dissolve from both our faces. I cannot say how great it was to see someone from there. Or when standing out front today trying to tell people about this organization, asking where they are from, and hearing Boulder and getting to momentarily reminisce about familiar places. How quickly our minds forget. I was taking money today for passion fruit slushies (so delicious, they contain a stealth brain freeze as an extra surprise!), and some birthrighters only had American dollars. Only a few weeks ago the shekl was play money and now the dollar felt as such.
I met a woman today because she thought I was Israeli and wanted help with her Hebrew. I dispelled that notion with my English. Turns out she didn't really know English either. She spoke French and Spanish. Together we made several sentences of words from three languages (everything but French). High school Spanish made an interesting comeback; which is odd because I didn't think I ever really knew it. Being forced to speak something other than English though made it appear.
What a pity it is that more Americans don't really know another language. I mean, most of us I think are required to take a few years in h.s. and don't really have the opportunity to employ those skills. It's very common to meet people who know 3, 4, even 5 languages. Impressed barely scratches the surface.
That made me all the more excited for ulpan on Sunday, wow, Sunday. Seems so soon.

Dekel is coming up to Tzfat so we can act as tourists tomorrow. Seeing the city from a different view is clearly refreshing. Speaking of views, I got another one today.
In J-lem, many of the shop owners stand outside their doors. I found it very intimidating, as if they were saying 'you have to get through me if you want to shop here'. Mentally I'd reply that I'd rather shop elsewhere. Well, today, I was sitting outside the Livnot visitors center doing an analogous activity. I was sitting out there because there is no air conditioning and the breeze felt nice and provided temporary relief. This in addition to seeing who was coming and smile (that's the American in me). I found that my perspective was altered in a good way. --walk a mile in someone else's shoes--

I washed my feet explicitly last night. I know what you're probably thinking, shouldn't that happen anyway? (esp mom and dad, they are not quite black as when I was younger, but a close second). So I've been wearing sandals, a lot, very Israeli, very comfortable and more fashionable with skirts than tennis shoes. The mosquitoes love my feet. There is dirt everywhere. When I looked at them closely, I couldn't tell if they were covered in bite remains, a funky tan had developed, tons of dirt was caked on, or what. I scrubbed and scoured. Turns out, it was a little bit of everything. I'm going to need a life size brillo pad when I get back.

When I packed for this trip, I decided I didn't want to check my baggage. That saved on time and space and my back (I had to carry all of it several km multiple times). As we are all aware, the airport security people limit liquids to under 3oz, for everything, and only one small bag's worth. I am happy to report that I have only recently been scrapping the bottom for toothpaste and hair conditioner. Everything else has enough for a little while. I was quite surprised and thought I'd pass that little bit of info along.

Not much more to say just yet. I am finally journaling in my little book all the other things that have been happening (inside my head mostly). Those I'll share on a more personal note at a later time. It feels good to get some of it down though. I highly recommend the practice to all.

I'm off to study, need to learn my script aleph-bet (I only know block) and am reading a great book, and the sun will set soon and I have to go to this little cafe in Tzfat for that. It's called Canaan Gallery if anyone is interested or has been there. They are also known (moreso probably) for their hand woven talitot. I am still debating whether or not to get the one I saw last time I was here (Dec '05). I've thought about it ever since. I'm scared to go in there because I don't know how I'll react when I see it, assuming it's still there. Any input or advice is welcome. Actually that statement is true for everything, not just a tallit purchase.
Ahava L'Shalom

Tiyul in West Bank

I cannot believe how hot it is here. I here that it is pretty warm over in Boulder too. Jerusalem hit something like 44C the other day. And this is the week I chose to go to Tzfat. Good in the sense that it is slightly cooler here (~39C) not so good in the sense that I am here to do manual labor.

I am back up here to work on more bomb shelters before classes start at the yeshiva. For some reason, doing manual labor is really what I need right now. All I can do is work, not think. It is far too hot (chamli!) to do more than sweat and work. Time for my brain and stuff to process things I've been experiencing on a subconscious level, while still being productive and helpful. It's rewarding doing this work.
I am very excited to start my classes, more from the learning aspect than anything. I found a new place to call home while I am here. I am subletting from an American who made Aliya only a year ago; he's a serious Zionist if I ever saw one. Great location, near where I was before. Still only a few minutes from everything I've grown accustomed to. And the best part about all this--I got to unpack. I cannot relate just how wonderful it felt to put things on a shelf and see them in all their glory. Ok, so a little over dramatic for a few skirts and some greeting cards, I know. I really like it there and it is a good fit.

On Thursday of last week, the new crowd I find myself with much of the time, decided to get out of Jerusalem. Not only did we all need a break from the city, but that day was the gay-pride parade and with over 8000 police officers, we just didn't feel like being involved. There we were, Riki (army, british), Jay (ex-army, italian), Dekel (student, american), and myself, renting a car for the day just as the streets were closing. In all our brilliance, the decision was made to go to the West Bank--thought it would be safer. Just kidding on that last part. I felt that if I ever got to go, this was the way to see it. Here's a terrible map of the area. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Bank. I cannot find one that really shows all the places we were, I think because it is continually changing. I do recall that one area we were at was nicknamed the breeding ground for the terrorists: Shchem (I think that's how it is spelled). We had lunch in a Jewish settlement. We toured Eli over there, met some people in Revava. The day was surreal. I tried to appreciate the uniqueness of the situations, but I don't think I have even now. Picture this: the boys are in front, the girls in back. We are driving through Arab villages where the hatred is palpable from both sides. A Jew is on the side of the road, hitchhiking. Initially he declines our offer, he's shomer nagia (doesn't touch women). To accommodate him, we rearrange the car then and there so he can sit in front and not touch us. Italian opera is on the cd player. There are times when I wonder if I've ever experienced feelings like that before. We walked the biblical lands. We watched the sunset from the Tomb of the Prophet Samuel, together in comfortable silence.
There is something about this place. I am really glad I was able to see those areas; I have a new appreciation, perspective of the situation and all the raw emotions.

I am finding it easier and easier to strike up conversations with people I've only recently met. And real conversations. Going in with an open mind and listening to them and sharing has provided me with growth that I won't realize until I'm not fully in the middle of it.
I find that my walk is no longer that of a tourist most of the time. I walk with my head up, looking people in the eyes, at a moderate (not meandering) pace. I walk with a purpose and direction. That combined with my dress (mostly skirts and short sleeve or long sleeve tops), has many strangers identifying me as "sabre": an Israeli. Once they notice that I fumble over all the Hebrew words and get very frustrated do they question and look very surprised when I tell them I am American. It's interesting.

I start school on Sunday, for the next six weeks. The weekends are mine to with as I please and they will probably involve many tiyulim (excursions). I have a flight scheduled for Aug 18 to leave town. I am not thinking about that day, at all. I cannot. The three friends I mentioned earlier are so meaningful to me, I don't think I would be doing as well as I am without them. I know I wouldn't be. Community, there is so much to say for it. So to my community in the States, thanks and I'll see you in couple months.

Safe with caution

A few things have been going in this country that you may have heard about. I want to give you my perspective and that of those who live here.
First, the rockets in the north (kiryat Shemona), from Lebanon. The idea is that a Palestinian went into Lebanon and set them off, not Hezbullah. One didn't fire, one hit the UN area, and two came into the town that was seriously hit last year. Emotionally, it is incredibly tense because of what happened in last summer's war. It is doubtful that is what is happening though. I am not sure what to believe, but my safety is fairly important to me (I'm sure you're glad to hear that). With all the issues surrounding my "long walk" I have decided not to do it. I don't know what would happen if I were hiking in those hills and suddenly a ketusha rocket whizzed overhead. Bummer. I am pretty sure I will go to Tzfat to continue my work on bomb shelters up there (they need to finish like 70 more by summer's end). I liked the work, I love the town, and it'd be good to get out of J-lem for a little bit before classes start.
Speaking of J-lem, I don't know if any info about this city has gotten back to the states or not. If so, let me give my two agarot. There is a gay-pride march scheduled for Thursday. This does not sit well with the Haredi sect of Jews here. In order to protest the parade, certain Jews came out and demonstrated. By demonstrated, I mean used megaphones to curse anyone who supported the gay-pride; threw stones in a seemingly random way; blew the shofar; lit dumpsters on fire. I know that when I'm mad, the first thing I think to do is to burn a trash can. I mean come on people. There is a tremendous police force out and about. All of this is happening streets away from where I am staying. Sunday the air was thick with smoke from the fires. The Haredi are polluting the air of this holy city because they think the gays are polluting the religion. What am I missing? So that adds to the already stifling tension that constantly exists in this city.
Azza (or Gaza) is pretty heated at the moment too, moreso than a few months back. I say that because supplies are actually reaching a low point. Israel imports so many goods to the Palestinians in Azza, and that has recently been put to a halt. The Israeli gov't has promised to keep the water going though (and I think electricity, but there's more controversy there). Hamas and Fatah are verging on civil war it seems like.
Knowing these men, babies really, that are in these elite units, has given me such a different take on the situation. It's become personal. These boys put their lives on the line for all of us, every day. When one says he won't be home for Shabbat because he'll be in Azza (or right next to it), my heart skips a few beats. I feel helpless. It is such a different world here.
On a lighter, more tangible note, I'll be changing residences really soon--hopefully Thursday. For a variety of reasons, it was time for me to take my leave of this place as a home base, though I will be here hanging out and etc. I have actually chosen to live just a few blocks away. I am subletting a room in a 3-bedroom place. One room is for an IDF jobnik, the other for me, and the third is unknown. Has a full kitchen, yippie, finally a stove and oven (I'll be baking some cookies for sure!) And a bath tub. All I really wanted was a shower with a curtain, but a bathtub! What a luxury! It's a little more money that I wanted to pay, but you know what, that's all right. I'm really paying for location and proximity to my new friends. I'm still 15min from the Kotel, Yeshiva is less than 10min, Shuk is 5min, bus station around 20min, everything is walking distance. This is the city center. I wanted urban, I got it.
Because I made the decision to do this school thing, I had to go out and buy some more clothes. I'm all sorts of outfitted with skirts and sandals and look very J-lem. I feel better fitting in too.
I have my schedule of classes for the summer and I think it will challenge me and invigorate me at the same time.
Here's what I'll be doing:
9-12:30 : S-Th; Ulpan (intensive hebrew language learning)
2-4 : S, T, Th; Midrash (I)/ Mishnah (II)
2-4 : M, W; Teffilah (I)/Psalms (II)
4-6 : S; Torah chanting (I)/Prayer leading (II)
4-6 : T; Gardening in local areas
4-6 : M, W; Talmud power concepts (I)/Hasidic Masters (II)

It will be interesting to say the very least.
I hope all is well at home, and I know I keep saying this, but please feel free to write and stuff, i really enjoy hearing from everyone. Lots of love--Rae

I am here

This place is a serious time warp. The days mesh together so perfectly and quickly. I have a hard time remembering all the wonderful things that have been happening.
The mosquitoes still really, really love me. Last night they dined on my face again and now my eyelids are incredibly swollen. I can't imagine what it will feel like to look normal again.
This past weekend (is it Thursday already?) I met up with the group from HHS. Can I just say how absolutely needed that was? I had no idea how awesome it would be to be in Israel with some tangible elements of home. Thank you to all of them. Thank you for letting me hitch a ride and overstay my welcome and crash the party etc. Those excursions gave me what I need to keep going.
Zichron Ya'akov is simply beautiful. And the members of Sulam Ya'akov even moreso. I cannot wait to go back there. Hopefully for another Shabbat in the coming months.
That's right, I said months--plural. Truly I was struggling to figure out what to do here. As the days passed, I couldn't imagine leaving. And when I really thought about it, I couldn't imagine going to a kibbutz. Just not my scene. As seems to be the case with everything here, I am having great difficulty getting the required information for the Israel Trail. I feel confident in my abilities, but I still need a map. I know, very demanding. I walked to the Gilabon waterfall with the HHS group and realized that I am looking forward to getting out there on my own. I am physically getting in much better shape than when I arrived and that feels great. As long as I continue to stick to not doing strenuous exercising from 1-5p basically, all is well. The time for doing this is shrinking. It now turns out that I need to be back in Jerusalem on June 29. And a friend wants to go to Eilat until June 20. I guess it's still 9days and that's good.
So why do I have to be back by a certain day? There's a little welcoming for the summer class that I am taking. Learning has always been an important part of my life. This trip is no different. And this trip has so many different avenues in which to continue learning. The program I've chosen to do combines ulpan and yeshiva. Ulpan for 3.5hrs/day, and yeshiva for 4.5hrs/day--five days a week. This is done at the conservative yeshiva in town (www.conservativeyeshiva.org). Originally I was somewhat opposed to learning Hebrew, truthfully. But why? Because I thought it was not something I could use very readily and really only in Israel. As I am here, I have decided that learning Hebrew is so much more than that. I'll gain some ability to understand biblical Hebrew from this ulpan. I won't be able to carry on conversations with Israelis at its conclusion, but I will have a much larger understanding. Even more importantly though, it connects to my people in another way. Hebrew is the language of the Jews, and I am a Jew. Language is a vital element in any culture.
My misperceptions and stereotypes of yeshiva prevented me from looking at that as an option. I heard that I just had to check it out from so many people. So I found one nearby (M'dreshet Rachel V'Chaya) and I was pleased that I proved myself right initially. The place felt like a cult, a brainwashing institution, a place for lost women who will just churn out lots of babies. I smirked at my discovery. And then I recoiled because I realized that I had just found a place that I knew would prove me right. Like statistics, you can find a study to prove any point. I looked further. While I'm not a feminist, I have a hard time with separation of duties and obligations and rights and learning and etc. Therefore, at this point I chose to eliminate any yeshiva that was only women (and of course only men). That really shrinks the pool. Anyway, I found the conservative yeshiva and entered with skepticism and with my defenses high. The garden, the smiles, the warmth, the beit midrash, was too much for my defenses. And so I just soaked it in. I spoke with three of the rabbi's there. I talked to students, I talked to the secretary.
I found myself in the position of trying to talk myself out of staying. And I couldn't come up with reasonable answers. I have to do this.
The program runs from July 1 to Aug 9. I am still trying to work out my flight details, so I don't know the exact date that I'll be returning. For those six weeks I'll get to experience life in Jerusalem with the structure of learning and the freedom of the weekends to do whatever (shabbat all over the country with new friends).
I know there are people at home who don't know why I am here. Some days verbalizing why I am, I can't either. "Do what you can, when you can" (thanks mom). Plus, what do people want most, what do they want more of: time. Not money, not things, but time. And right now, I have the time. I have more time than I ever thought possible. So to say to myself, I need to go home to get a job and sit around waiting to be accepted to grad school, isn't enough to leave here. Because here I am understanding what it is to be Jewish from all over the spectrum. I am making friends from all over the world. This is an extreme country, perhaps one of the most diverse in the whole world, and I am here. I am here. Dad once talked about some things in his life and he said, he just knew. Right now, this is what I know.
I'll try to put more down in the coming days and keep everyone posted with my little adventure.
Hope all is well at home. Please keep Holli Berman in your prayers. Please feel free to write/call, I love hearing from home. With love til later--Rae

Decision headway

This past week has been somewhat of a break. I have spent most of it exploring the city center, Jerusalem that is. I am staying in the center of the center--Kikar Tzion. I'm here with someone from the Livnot program, and two army guys. Their friends stop by and great discussions have been had. The cultures are so amazing. Last night, it was some americans, a brit, an italian, a frenchman, a some israelis. They were all kind enough to speak English because I cannot follow Hebrew that well just yet. It's great to be here.
This week will involve volunteering at the soup kitchen restaurant I did with Livnot. Plus I'll do more city living and exploring. I'll look more into what to do in July as well. The next Shabbat I'll be in Zichron Ya'akov with HHS people and our sister congregation. I cannot wait to do that.
The week of the 10th family from Australia will be here too--incredibly excited to meet them. I may or may not go to Eilat and Petra that week, still to be decided.
And then, on June 17, I am planning on taking a bus up north, all the way north (Metula maybe), and then hiking the Israel National Trail down to Jerusalem. I don't have the maps yet or exact stops so I'm not positive how far, but the estimate is 220mi. The plan is to take just under 3wks to complete this in a style that more closely resembles day hiking with a big backpack. Meaning there are stops nearly every day for resupply, I don't need a tent, and I won't have any hot foods or stove stuff. Just a change of clothes, general camping stuff (compass, iodine tablets, knife, etc), and a sleeping bag. I am really looking forward to doing this. A small weight was lifted when I finally made this decision. As of now I plan to do this alone, though the guy I'm staying with has expressed some interest in coming. he's still trying to make decisions in his life, so we'll see. I feel comfortable and competent enough to do this solo. Great way to see the country and get to know the land.
I don't know what the American news is saying about this place, if anything, but it's safe for now. There is talk of something happening, then again, I imagine there usually is around here. As for the bombings in Sderot, that is just outside of Gaza, which is a couple hours drive from here. The ripple effect is minimal.
I hope you are all well and that life is as adventurous back at home.

Shabbat Shalom

Just wanted to give out a big Shabbat Shalom from Jerusalem. I'm here in the holy city, waiting to go to the Kotel for Kabbalat Shabbat. WOW.
Quick update too. Obviously I'm not in Tzfat any more, plans had to change. I'll be here for a few days while I'm deciding what to do. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go to a farm that is in real need of help. But really, who knows.
Lots of events in the past few days. Time is of the essence currently, so this might be a bit short. First of all, remember to drink. Not just drink, but drink a lot. This was a big mistake on my part. And sweating is very natural, and common, and bad if it goes away. That was another mistake. And please, don't climb up a canyon at 2 in the afternoon in the desert, not a good idea. Due to all of these, I decided to check out a local ER--what an experience. Not that I recommend it though. I'm fine and have learned many valuable lessons.
The group disbands in just over 36hrs and it will be really sad to see every one go. I can't imagine what it will be like to be on my own time schedule once more.
I went to the shuk today and can't wait to go back. I actually bargained with a shop keeper there, in Hebrew. That was so empowering. Knowing numbers really helps.
I am getting a mass of stories that I cannot wait to tell, soon, I promise.
Mosquitoes have feasted so well these past few days, courtesy the Rachael buffet. I have well over 100 bites. The most distracting are those on my face, while the ones on my toes drive me crazy. I think they think 100% DEET is dessert. Oh well. What would a trip be without a little adventure? This is so stream of conscious right now; I have so many thoughts and so little ability to form them coherently.
And in case it is not coming through, I want to say clearly that I am having an amazing time. Really, this is the best thing I could be doing with my life right now. Miss you in a good way.

Unbelievable

Wow! it's been a week and the time has simultaneously flown by and dragged on. I am getting around 3-5hrs sleep/night. This group is awesome. No alone time though. so i've cried at the wailing wall. I've been humbled by serving the homeless in Jerusalem--really. Being completely lost and feeling helpless and having these eyes pleading with me for food in a verbal language I don't understand, but in a human language that is universal is quite an experience. That night we celebrated the 40th anniversary of the unification of Jerus., in Jerus. simply mind blowing. Walking down the streets with revelry and merriment while surrounded by gun holding soldiers. Bizarre doesn't begin to describe it. Once again I sat in the bar kochba caves and that was hard mentally; crawling through passageways that i didn't think i was small enough to fit through. I have massive bruises from doing so, and each day they remind me. Up here in Tzfat we have been working on a bomb shelter. Structurally it is mostly ok, but that is where the goodness ends. We walked in and there was a stench that caused the most hilarious faces on my chevre I've ever seen. Paint didn't exist, mold was everywhere, and oh yeah, we were standing in 4" of water. The foreman/manager assured us that it wasn't 'shit water'. Some how that didn't make us feel better. There were huge bugs. Probably at one time dead animals too, though those were gone. I am in awe what 10 people can do working together in only 5hrs. The place had a floor, a first coat of paint and everything was moved out. My heart was saddened by all the books that were destroyed by the water damage. Some books were more that 100yrs old; all were holy and had to be buried. Hard labor for sure. Today we finished that one and I am impressed. Truly what a community means.
I am finally doing laundry and get internet, a few more days before communication becomes on my own terms rather than a group mentality.
I still don't know what I am doing after this ends in a short week. There are so very many options--like a kid in a candy store. Sleep might be in order first though. I have made friends here with a few folks. i am the oldest woman, and the 4th oldest overall. Part of me plays mother hen, part of me is just too tired to deal with immaturity.
I am learning a ton. About other people, yes, but moreso about myself.
Hebrew is still incredibly difficult and people here speak fast and soft. I'm constantly saying "ma?"--meaning "what?" 'Ani lo medeberet ivrit' is another phase I am using when it becomes too much. Knowing how to read clearly helps, if only I understood. Smiles go a long way and I'm proficient in that.
Time to go now, more adventures await just over the horizon.
I will be in touch. I miss everyone, very much, already. (sappy moment) You're all here though, in my heart, truly.

05.08.07 (Tuesday)
I leave for my second Israeli adventure in a short 56hrs. Currently I have things to do and a place to stay until May 26, courtesy of Livnot; then I am on my own until my planned return mid-July. I do not have a place to stay, I don't even know which part of the country I'll be in. This is simultaneously thrilling and frightening, though much moreso the former. Initially the goal was go and work the land via an agricultural kibbutz. Most have rejected my inquiry due to time restraints. Now my revised vision is to connect with the people and be of use however possible (hospitals, food banks, farms, etc). I plan on experiencing as much as I can. Exploring the rich history the country has to offer and gaining an understanding of my distant heritage are also on the list.
Though not yet departed, I miss people already. I do fear homesickness will be a formidable enemy (more directly than say the Palestinians or the Lebanese). As a shield/weapon I have decided to create this blog. I will update it as I can and as the need strikes. Please feel free to leave comments as the mood strikes you.
And for those of you who have heard about my previous international travels, stayed tuned for bathroom stories--I am sure there will be some to be had!